Breakup they say is the most painful thing you’ll ever experience. The kind of feeling where you don’t see the goodness of a day (maybe I’m just exaggerating?) or the feeling of emptiness at the pits your stomach. Breakup changes people. Its either it’ll make you a better person or the opposite.
But what’s good in breakups is that there is the decision. Both chose to move on since the relationship may have reached its peak then run out of life.
For me, what hurts more than the breakup itself is the process right before it. The anxiety whether there’s still hope for the relationship or if its best to end it. Another is that it gives you anxiety every morning of whether you can end a day without shedding a single drop of tear, fearing that anytime you might lose your partner. And that for me is more painful than breakups.
Experience-wise, You will eventually catch yourself staring blankly at empty spaces during your work. You can’t help but wonder whether he’s also feeling what you’re feeling. Questions like: “Is he also anxious? Does he think of you often? Is he suffering from the silence between the two of you?” would always cross your mind. But the sad thruth is, you’ll never know the answer. You will never really know if all those questions raised by your heart and your mind be answered.
At this time, you force yourself to be okay. You force yourself to smile just to hide what you’re truly feeling inside and to convince yourself that this is not gonna end up in a breakup.
You begin to hope and hope that one day everything will fall to its place like before but that day didn’t come and you feel hell inside.
Every night you cry your heart out because it seems like you’re left alone, hanging onto a tiny hope that he’ll be back for you and yet there is no assurance with that.
Then, slowly you are accepting the idea of breakup. You feel scared. You feel like you might not get through this without hurting yourself but you keep on saying in your mind that you’ll have to be ready and you have to be strong. Strong enough to protect yourself and come out of this whole.
This makes me feel better. To be able to say all that I wanna say and not care what people might think. I just had to write this all down. This is an experience I will truly not forget.
For the person that I truly loved:
Nat, I know I didn’t trust you enough. I know I doubted you. The cost of my action resulted to this. I pushed you away and I’m sorry. I really wish that you’d talk to me. I know you have your reasons not to but I hope you’ll consider. I never really thought that this would happen. I thought that we’d last but nevertheless, I wanna say Thank You. Thank you for all the lessons you’ve shared and taught me. For teaching me to be strong and to make my own decisions. Thank you for the support, the encouragement, the laughs and of course for loving me. I won’t regret having you as part of my life. Yes, its painful. Yes, its going to be hard without having you around but I know there’ll be better days ahead of me and remember Nat, you’ll always be my “forever and always”.
Im going to miss us. Good luck sa career mo. Im going to do the same and pursue my dreams.